Today I was searching for books at a thrift store when I came across a nice little book with a fabric cover. It was a blank book and would have been fine for conference notes. I bought it for that and later discovered that it had been used as a diary. This is about the third or fourth diary I've found at that thrift store. People begin them and then simply quit--the diary has always been the manual version of the weblog. Note: Names have been changed from the originals in the diary.
The entries:
January, 31, 1999
At this point in time my feelings are quite complicated. I really want someone to love me. I doubt it will happen until I lose weight. I can't believe in myself so neither can anyone else. I want to be happy and have fun. I want to be able to shop at any store I choose. It feels like the only way that I can be happy is if I lose weight. But a lot of times it feels like my existence doesn't matter so why should I even try to lose weight. I met Mark yesterday and had a pretty good time with him. I think he was really disappointed and I doubt I'll hear from him again. I just want to go back to California to be close to my friends. I really miss all of the hugs from Joe and Steve. I'm afraid that being so far away from them will make us drift apart. I really care about both of them. I care about all of my camp friends, but Joe and Steve are special. Steve and I are so similar that we have an unmatchable bond. Pete is so sweet that I wish I could be with him all of the time. They're both in California and for now I just have to deal with that. But I would really love to be able to surprise them by coming home thin.
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February 8, 1999
I decided to spend some of my money to buy a plane ticket to go home for Nancy's party. I'm really excited to be able to see some of my friends. i hope most of them will be able to come. Sue, Joe and Steve have helped me to start the process of learning to like myself. At this moment in time I would like to weigh less, for me, not anybody else. I want to be successful at the (name of weight program). I would really like to have an exercise routine that I would do at least three times a week. My goal for this week is to try to work exercising into my schedule. In regards to my last entry Mark is still talking to me, we're just friends, but I don't want or exect anything else. I've talked to Joe and Steve and I think my relationships with both of them are even stronger than they were before. I'm trying to take life one day at a time and am trying to remind and convince myself that I really am a special person.
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January 13, 2000
It's been almost a year since I've written in here. A lot has happened, but my situation appears to be the same. I still don't have anyone that loves me and I'm still not as thin as I would likek to be. I thought Donald and I were in love and thought we were on our way to a relationship. We oved past the Laura thing and things were going really well. Then Tina entered the picture. She'll drive him anywhere he needs to go at any time. She buys him as many expensive gifts as she can and is willing to have a sexual relationship with him no strings attached. Making love really means something to me. I can't just sleep with someone without loving them and them loving me back. So I guess Tina wins and I lose. Losing really hurts and I'm very jealous that I was not the winner. But I have to move on. There must be someone out there who love me. Pleas God send me someone to love who loves me back.
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January 31, 2000
Another airplane crashed today. 80-something people were killed. It's sad, but it seems to happen so often that I think our country is getting used to hearing news like this. Amidst all of this tragedy the only concerns that I had were 1) if 7th Heaven was going to show so that I could see Lance from InSync and 2) Is anyone ever going to love me. Tom came over tonight to bring me dinner. He is so nice. I really enjoy spending time with him. I found out today that he has a 14 year old son. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. Right now Bill is in my bedroom using my computer. He talked to his girlfriend on the phone for a while. He is so sweet and caring towards her, but he says that she's very unemotional towards him. I would do anything to have someone care about me as much as he cares about her. How can she not appreciate what she has in him. Is there anyone out there for me? If there is will we find each other?
Today was a medical nightmare for me. I'm afraid I have pneumonia and 2 doctors appointments later I don't have any more answers. Is my cancer going to come back? Will I die due to someone's ignorance? Please God help me to find the silver lining in all of the dark clouds.
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February 21, 2000
Well, it was pneumonia and 3 week and 2 antibiotic courses later I'm finally feeling better! I was supposed to have a birthday party 2 days ago, but when Linda called to cancel at the last minute I couldn't take it anymore and ended up canceling the whole thing. She's been very inconsiderate and rude lately and for the moment I do not consider her a friend. . . I'm glad her relationship with that 38 year old guy blew up in her face . . . Joanne mixed up my b-day with one of her friend's b-days and ended up sending me a Mr. Potatohead balloon a week early . . I was supposed to have lunch with Paul today, but I stood him up. I know it's a terrible thing to do but it's pouring rain and I'm feeling very antisocial with the whole birthday party aftermath. I'm still looking for love and am really hoping that it finds its way to me soon.
[And that was the last dated entry.]
Michael McGrorty